It’s really kind of hard to figure out what you want to do with your life. When I was 5, my only driven goal was to be like Lisa Frank. I love the stickers. THIS. I had my goal: right there in front of me. Things were easier that way. In 5th grade, it was Oncology. I was going to cure cancer and that was just the bottom line. Unfortunately, that required more than Math Modeling 1000. So, such is life. I was going to be a famous singer once too, but then I learned to despise the cultural value (
or lack there-of) of American Idol.
So, now I’m stuck. And there are all these dreams swirling in my mind. I want to change the world, bring hope to just one person for a better future. Give someone the faith that I have in human kind. Share myself with others.
This job description does not come up on Indeed.com, nor does it agree with my decision of degree. So, I’ve been pummeling through looking for non-profits & NGO that fulfill my vision. But that’s just what I want to dream of today. I guess through all of this murk referred to as college, it was not about the classes or the papers (8 fifteeners this semester), but more about who the hell gets out alive.
It’s become about what you decide to learn about yourself and in turn, what you do with this information. It becomes about the people that surround you and support you. Those people that maybe for only four year may have come into your life to change the way you think about something as small as sentence structure. The successes and downfalls create who you are and bad experiences are all merely learning. In fact, these are the ones that are perhaps the most poignant and important. You can fail, betray and be betrayed, carry a broken soul broken but that is where you see yourself. Life becomes the mirror that you think into and it reflects the core of who you are, despite the shedding of skin. I may have hated college. I may have loved it. Neither of those really matter. What matters is that this place has made me the woman that I am, a woman who is fiercely driven towards making something for someone (in order to make something of herself). Since Lisa Frank phase, I’ve been a D.I.Y. kind of kid. I’ve been through a lot in the past 4 years, a lot of GOOD. I’ve been cautious of trust and what to throw my soul into because I have some of the strongest dedication of anyone I know. When I believe in something, I make it mine. Did some mountain soul searching for 75% of a year when I was 19. Found the same girl again in the summer glare of Pollock Pines, Ca. And then even discovered I could be this same woman, sitting right here in this tiny apartment for the past year. In the end, the things everyone say about definition not coming from where you are or what you do but what you know of yourself is so true. Granted, yes, we all are searching for a better place. But, what can we say for ourselves when we are left standing naked at the lens of our own judgment?
Maybe I can’t answer what I want to do and maybe it changes by the hour/day/moment. But don’t judge me, you societal monster. And don’t tell me for a second that I’m just a dreamer whom the world hasn’t tinged. I’m no optimist, I worry like crazy. But not about my place. Not about my journey. Don’t judge my ambition to float. Perhaps I don’t even understand yet what I was created to accomplish. But graduation is certainly not going to make me be anything I don’t want to. I will not redefine myself in a career I hate. Because, at the end of the day, I understand myself and what I intrinsically want. I understand what it means to have to deal. Saturday, I will take my coat and slip out the door, but I’ve been contemplating divorce for sometime. Statesboro, my tired old lover, I am leaving you without a note. I’m not worried about making it out there. Things will work out for me in this jungle. I will get a job mainly because someone has been waiting JUST for me. They’ve been waiting. And now, I am here. And that’s all that ever really mattered.